Confessions of a Tired Mama - I want to be heard

A mother has so many things going through
her mind.
Image credit: Pixabay

When I see other mothers, some buying grocery items at the supermarket, walking down the street with their kids in tow, riding a passenger jeepney while struggling to hold her baby securely on her lap while gripping the baby bag along with other items she has with her, they make me stop and wonder "are they as tired as me?". I actually don't know why I'm so tired. Maybe because I'm middle-aged. Maybe because I don't get enough sleep. That I have to chase a toddler around most of the time so I can put his shorts every time he relieves himself. Or maybe because I have to listen to really bad news on the tv which I've remedied with the cartoon channel being on all day. Maybe Never, Neverland is a better place to project myself rather forcing to live the reality I call life. Yes, it may not be much of a life but for now, it's all I have.

Every day is practically the same for me. After doing the laundry, sterilizing the baby bottles, and cleaning the house in the early morning hours, I sit down by myself to gather my thoughts. My partner and child are usually still asleep and the quiet atmosphere is quite peaceful. I know the day is only about to begin and since it's a long day ahead, I usually hope that my partner doesn't speak to me at all. For the past year, I've just heard speeches about trying to " save" money and cut costs in spending. His tone is usually laced with the belief that "I" do nothing all day while "HE" works and earns the money. During one of those so-called talks, I was asked for the time being to eat any food that was expired or near expiration. I complied. Couldn't do anything about it...I was hungry. Good thing I had a lot of pasta noodles in storage. I had pasta noodles topped with white pepper for brunch for a week. At least I still had something to eat. There are people out there with nothing.

In this country, politics is now a fascinating subject. For the first time, I have seen ripples in friendships, relationships, even in families. No different in mine. My partner and I have different opinions but as he is a devout supporter of the current administration, I, on the other hand, not so much. In all honesty, I have never supported any administration that I lived through. All the candidates for the presidency that I believed should have been elected never won. I would never support a President that I believe to be non-viable. Unfortunately for me, a non-viable candidate won again and this time because of the presence of social media, the vast number of uneducated or illiterate millennials, and of course, the keyboard warriors with their "alternative facts" (which is just a fancy term for falsehood), a battle in the "twitter sphere" has erupted. Every time I see a young millennial post a disturbing point of view glazed with alternative facts with expletives left and right, I quietly think that a law should be made to ban young people, the uneducated/illiterate from going on social media. That a seminar should be conducted to instruct these people. But then again, the President has been a great example to these youngsters, swearing repeatedly on live television making swearing on social media a small offense and now becoming a regular habit for anyone.

Today has been declared (by the President) the "Day of National Protest".  This is of great significance to me for today I start this blog. I've kept quiet for a long time. I've chastised myself for believing that I have no right to complain, that I have to make sacrifices for my child because I have to suffer... All because I am now a mother. I've heard it repeatedly, " There's nothing you can do. You are a mother." It's said time and time again. So I hang my head low and just go about my day hoping when I sleep, I never wake up. I guess my depression with a side of emptiness makes me never want to see the light of day again. But, I wake up...get up and move. My son isn't old enough to give himself a bath.

I'm tired, absolutely exhausted. The world, my world, everything..I'm sick and tired of tiptoeing, sugarcoating, sacrificing my needs, and keeping quiet. I want my voice to be heard. I need to be heard. Today, I write as The Tired Mama.